Day 9: Peacemaker

Happy Day 9 of Another 100 Days of Hannah, y'all!

Anyone else glad it's the weekend?

Though my lights turned on at their normal 5a, I admittedly used "it's the weekend" as an excuse to browse my phone for wayyy longer than anticipated, meaning I'm about an hour behind my normal daily routine.  Nevertheless, here I am for a little post-(first)-workout, post-breakfast blogging session.

Huzzah.  Let's just dive straight in.

So, first things first: I feel like I've been, in some way, shape, or form, including, "I'm an enneagram nine" into approximately every blog post so far this year.  Which may be getting a little old.

Sorry.
Just, bear with me.
I've started reading a new devotional - The Peacemaker - which is a 60-day devotional for nines, or those who want to learn more about nines, that helps to shed light on personal tendencies of the type, while also pointing to God.
As I've relatively recently began to accept my "nineish" tendencies, I've decided to work on strengthening my inherent weaknesses and nourishing my strengths as we enter this new year.
Annnd, as this is my mental dumping ground, y'all get to be privy to some of my thoughts and emotional processing of the lessons that I'm learning.

So, again, sorry for the redundancy... but, this is where I am right now, so my nature as a nine will probably be a focus for a little while.


Okay, now maybe onto the actual meat of the post.
 
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God. (Matthew 5:9)
 
Peacemakers.
 
Peacemakers.
 
 
Admittedly, my biggest hesitation with accepting myself as an enneagram nine, or a "peacemaker", was that I really rarely feel that peaceful.

Rather, I more often feel the exact opposite.
 
As someone who struggles with, often high, anxiety, that has presented in various forms through the years - from refusing to eat for fear of vomiting in elementary school, to being afraid that my parents would die every time they left the house as a young child, to literally running away from my little brother when he would cough at the table, to being afraid my house would burn down if I went on vacation, to an eating disorder, to modest OCD-like behaviors, to daily panic attacks, and to moderate social anxiety - it's hard to see myself as a peacemaker.

Maybe that's because I more often try to function as a peacekeeper.

I try to keep peace by fighting anything that would go against my internal and external peace.

Funny thing is, the more you try to keep peace by blocking out reality, the less peace you experience.

But this verse doesn't say "Blessed are the peacekeepers".

No, it says, "Blessed are the peacemakers."

What in the world is a peacemaker?


I'll admit, I don't have it entirely figured out.
 
Or, let's be real, even mostly figured out.
 
But I think it goes back to the peace that the world gives vs the peace that the Father gives.  (See my Day 7 post.)
 
Maybe peacemakers don't rely on their circumstances being peaceful.
Maybe they don't even depend on feeling peaceful at all times.
Maybe instead they are able to create peace in the storm because they know the one in whom they trust.
They know that He is in control.
That He is good.
And they believe that He will never fail.
 
I'll admit - I'm tired of being a peacekeeper.
I'm tired of hiding all that I am, blocking out myself and reality to try to maintain my grip on an ever slipping thread of peace.
And even though it sounds intimidating, I think I'm finally ready to start being a peacemaker.
 
Who's with me?
 
Til tomorrow,
 
Hannah 

Want to read more?  Here's a link to my Day 9 post from 100 Days of Hannah.  Click the link to check it out!
 
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